9:00 p.m. More than 45 million votes, and everyone agrees then that Paula might have been drunk. Well, except her publicists.
He says she doesn’t drink!
9:08 p.m. Who is Gina? Ooooh, Constantine. We totally had a HUGE crush on him. Now he just looks like a Bee Gee.
9:09 p.m. Doesn’t Neil Diamond’s speaking voice sound
like someone with a laryngectomy?
9:13 p.m. “The rumors aren’t true, and she’s part of our family,” Ryan Seacrest says about Paula’s mishap. “And I think Simon still wants to hook up with her.”
9:13 p.m. Jason is the first victim. The judges didn’t like him. That usually means he’s safe. And he is!
9:14 p.m. Now for David Archuleta. They are going to pick all the people who are making it through. That’s our guess. Paula thinks he needs to have more fun on stage. He is safer than safe!
9:23 p.m. David Cook. Our mom voted for him 15 times last night. There ain’t no way he’s going home. And we’re right.
9:25 p.m. The last two are the bottom two: Syesha Mercado and Brooke White. Brooke should go, but Syesha will probably be going. Just like Simon said …
9:27 p.m. “Finally last night I just kicked into that happy, grateful mode,” says Brooke. Well, you’d better be grateful people are still watching you on this show.
Because we had to get a little drunk before this telecast to cope with the thought you’d be staying one more week!!!
9:32 p.m. Now it’s time for Natasha Bedingfield blows the other idols away. We don’t even like this song, and she’s giving us chills. Although her mic seems to have an echo on it. “Well, I’ve never had to audition,” she says to Seacrest.
Weeeeell then.
9:35 p.m. A 10-year-old calls in and asks: “Why does Paula always give contestants a break?” She really gives a heartfelt response. Aw, we heart Paula!!
9:38 p.m. Some 45-year-old (Tara Miller?) calls and says she was
Simon’s first kiss. And apparently she was. We’ve never seen Simon look so sheepish. Her call ignites a certain sparkle in his eyes that is uncommon to the world. Classic! Paula throws in a clever dig about rabies. Simon is in such shock that it just glides right over his head.
9:46 p.m. Now it’s Mr. Diamond. Hopefully this is the last we have to endure of this old fogey.
9:50 p.m. Wow, did he even perform? Our eyes glazed over as we waited to get off on the ninth floor.
9:50 p.m. Dear god! Who shrunk Neil Diamond’s mom’s head?
9:52 p.m. “If you love it, stay with it.
Don’t listen to what Simon says, and just keep doing it.” That’s the advice Mr. Sweet Caroline (bum bum bum!) offers to the young contestants.
9:56 p.m. “America has decided that the contestant leaving us tonight is Brooke.”
VICTORY!!!!! CRY BITCH, cry!!!! Hoooooooooray!
9:57 p.m. Torture. That’s the only way to describe Ms. White’s last performance. Pure fucking torture.
Tags: Gossip by Cloner
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